A few of the 100 reasons why it's greater to be a 'Man' than being a 'Woman':
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You don't have to monitor your friend's sex lives.
Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
You have a normal & healthy relationship with your mother.
You needn't pretend you're 'freshening up' to go to the bathroom.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become life long buddies.
People never glance at your chest when you are talking to them.
P.S. - If any woman reader would like to contribute to 'A few reasons why it's better to be a woman than a man', please email us at firstname.lastname@example.org or fax to 26235329 with your version, which will be printed next month. Thank you. . .
$ Celibacy is not hereditary.
$ Marriage is the process of finding our what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
$ The longest sentence known to man - "I DO".
$ Why are men like computers?
a. They're useless until you turn them on
b. They have lots of data but can still be clueless
c. As soon as you pick one, a better model comes on the market.
Why are women like computers?
a. No one really understands them
b. All your mistakes are stored in their memory
c. You find yourself spending all your money on accessories for them.
$ What do you call a Sardar with one hair?
$ Which brother of Kalidas makes shoes?
$ How can you tell when a man is a bachelor?
He comes to work from a different direction every day.
$ How are animals smarter than humans?
Put 20 horses in a race and 1000 people will go and see it.
But if you put 20 people in a rance not even one horse will go and see it.
$ What did the cannibal say when he first saw an ice skating rink?
"What do you know ... People on the rocks!"
$ A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything!"
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?
"Wishing you a Very Happy Diwali & Prosperous New Year!!!!
Chetan, Sanjeet & Devendra Narain
$ SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
$ There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
$ I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
$ Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
$ Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.
$ If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.
$ ADAM : The only man in the world who couldn't say 'Pardon me, haven't I seen you before?'
$ FOR SALE : Complete set of Encyclopedias, excellent condition, no longer needed, got married last week. . . . WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING.
$ Q : What do you call a wife who's sexy, beautiful, intelligent, understanding, caring, never jealous and a great cook?
Ans : 'A rumour!'
$ Today's PREDICTABLE Weather forecast in MUMBAI : Dark night followed by sunrise in the morning.
$ "Mechanic to Car Owner : "I couldn't repair the brakes, so I made your horn louder.
$ "Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. They both are empty neck upwards.
$ "Q. Why did Santa Singh take his pregnant wife to Pizza Hut?
A. Because they advertised 'FREE DELIVERY'.
$ "Q. What is the difference between a 'watch' and a 'wife'?
A. Ek bigadti hai to bund ho jaati hai, Aur doosri bigadti hai to
chaaloo ho jaati hai.
$ "Behind every SUCCESSFUL woman, there is a SATISFIED man, And,
Behind every SATISFIED woman, there is an EXHAUSTED man.
$ "Women are like phones.
They love to be held and talked to. But, if you press the wrong button, you'll be disconnected.
$ "Q. How can you tell when a FAX has been sent by a 'blonde'?
A. There is a stamp on it.
$ "Your birth certificate is an apology from a condom factory.
$ "Did you ever notice that when you are driving, anyone going slower than you is an IDIOT, and anyone driving faster that you is a MANIAC.
$ " Next time, borrow money from PESSIMISTS. They won't expect you to return it.
$ " Q. What is the thinnest book in the world?
A. What men know about women.
$ " Teenage - The time between. . . .
1. between pigtails & cocktails.
2. When your children begin to question your answers.
3. When a girl makes up her face more easily than her mind.
4. when girls begin to powder and boys begin to puff.
$ " Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday.
$ " An ulcer often shows that a man is in big money : either he is making it or owing it.
$ " Doctor to patient : "Don't take your problem to bed with you."
Patient : "I tried, but my wife is not ready to sleep alone."
$ " Every time I open a fortune cookie I find a note inside from my wife telling me to come home at once.
$ "Did you notice how my voice filled the auditorium?"
"Yes, I noticed that a lot of people left to make room for it."
$"If you were my husband, I'd give you poison."
"If I was your husband, I would take it."
$ " A smart woman always asks her husband's opinion after she has made up her mind.
$ " If you want your wife to listen, talk to another woman.
$ " Definition of Globalization :
Princess Diana's death : An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicine. This message was created by an Indian on a Chinese phone smuggled by Pakistani . . . .
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$ My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.
$ She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
$ What is the thinnest book in the world? Biographies of Happy Women.
$ A man had been drinking for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. He looked inside the car and he saw the man's girlfriend and his friend, Dave, kissing. Shaking his head, he walked back and told the drunk to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar, laughing.
"What's so funny?" asked the bartender.
"That stupid Dave?" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
$ Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
$ The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
$ There is a brunette and 11 blondes hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope would break if one of them didn't let go and they would all fall to their deaths. The Brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself for the others. At the end of the speech the blondes all clap.
$ Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
$ Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
$ A police officer stops Santa Singh for speeding and asks him very nicely if he could see his license. He replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
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$ Laloo Prasad Yadav talks to his son.
Laloo: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I want to choose my own bride".
Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...... Yes"
Next Laloo approaches Mukesh Ambani
Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."
Ambani : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Laloo : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Ambani : "Ah, in that case.....Yes"
Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President :"But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case.......Yes."
This is how business is done!!!
$ Gujju Lover (Man) : Darling, Mere kaan main kuch halka sa, kuch naram sa, kuch namkeen sa, kuch chatpata sa kaho!
Gujju (Woman) : DHOKLA ! ! !
$ He came at night
.. explored my body, touched me, kissed me all over, bit me, did what was to be done and when he was satisfied, he left me. . . . .I was hurt . . . . BLOODY MOSQUITO!!!!
$ Vajpayee, Musharraf, Aishwarya Rai and Margaret Thatcher are traveling in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. Thatcher and Vajpayee are sitting there looking perplexed. Musharraf is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
Thatcher is thinking: "These Pakistanis are all crazy after Aishwarya Rai. Musharraf must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him"
Aishwarya is thinking: "Musharraf must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Margaret instead and got slapped."
Musharraf is thinking: "Damn it, Vajpayee must have tried to kiss Aishwarya, she thought it was me and slapped me."
Vajpayee is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Musharraf again."
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$ " The walls of our apartment are so thin, I once asked my wife a question and got four different answers.
$ " No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
$ " If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have so many branches?
$ " She gives a lousy haircut, but she knows all the latest gossip.
$ " She bought a bikini that's smaller than the price tag.
$ " "Was it hot on the beach today?"
"Terrible! It was so hot we took turns sitting in each other's shadows."
$ " If I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
$ " Every time I meet a beautiful girl either she is married or I am.
$ " A thing of beauty keeps you broke forever.
$ " There are a few four-letter words that will shake up every bride - like cook, wash, dust and iron.
$ " He won't talk much about the honeymoon. All he said was, when they came down for breakfast the first morning, he asked for separate checks.
$ " Funny, when a girl is old enough to go out alone, she doesn't.
$ " Man comes home, finds his wife in bed with his friend. He shoots him dead.
Wife says to him, "If you're gonna behave like this, you'll lose all your friends."
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$ "Was your boss sore when you told him you were quitting next week?"
"He sure was. He thought it was this week."
* * *
$ Statistics show that most Diets start tomorrow.
* * *
$ Women Lib!
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to get liberated from???
* * *
$ I was thrown out of the submarine service. I was caught sleeping with the windows open.
* * *
$ The way hairstyles are today, you can't tell from the back if it is a man who needs a haircut or a woman who just had one.
* * *
$ "When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it's only a minute.
But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it's two hours.
THAT'S RELATIVITY !!!
- Albert Einstein
* * *
$ My cat is very smart. I asked her what two minus two was and she said 'NOTHING'.
* * *
$ "Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
"I ought to be able to, sir. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."
* * *
$ Did you get the cheque I sent you?
Yeah, twice - once from you and once from the bank.
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$ "Have you ever been in an accident?"
"Yes. Once when I was on a train going through a tunnel, I kissed the father instead of his daughter."
$ When arguing with a stupid person, be sure he isn't doing the same.
$ The average bride gets enough advice to last her for several husbands.
$ The best cure for a hangover is to drink black coffee the night before instead of the morning later.
$ Tip for doctors: In case of amnesia, collect the fee in advance.
$ Advice to people about to get married: Don't!
$ Advice to single girls: never look for a husband - look for a single man.
$ Old? He chases his secretary around the desk, but can't remember why.
$ A woman stops telling her age as soon as it starts telling on her.
$ There are some women who won't lie about their age - they just refuse to talk about it.
$ There are only two ways to avoid alimony: either stay single or stay married.
$ My wife keeps reminding me that her allowance isn't as big as her alimony would be.
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$ What kind of money do fishermen make?
$ "My father puts people in touch with spirits."
"Is he a spiritualist?"
"No, he runs a pub!!"
$ Did you hear about the vampires' family reunion?
All the blood relations went.
$ If price and worth mean the same thing, why priceless and worthless are opposites?
$ An antique is something your grandparents bought, your parents sold, and you bought again.
$ The biggest guns in most corporations are those who have never been fired.
$ A chauvinist is someone who makes dozens of women happy: He can only marry one of them.
$ Some men like a woman who shows style, but most prefer styles that show a woman.
$ Why do they call it "rush hour" when traffic is at a standstill?
$ Credit cards are what make buying easy and paying hard . . .
$ It's not that Customs Agents are crooked, but they do operate under the theory that what you seize is what you get.
$ The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.
$ Ever notice how many people eat with their fingers and talk with their fork?
$ There is no workout more strenuous than having to push the thought of food to the back of your mind.
$ The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the plane fare to leave.
$ It's the women wearing padded bras and getting nose jobs who usually ask where all the real men have gone.
$ It's true that wine improves with age : The older you get, the more you like it.
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A bit of philosophy
$ Even though you may have earned a million rupees, your day is incomplete unless you have done something for someone who will never be able to repay you.
.. Laugh a little
$ Adolescence - period in life between puberty and adultery.
$ I once stayed in a hotel where the walls of our room were so thin that every time I asked my wife a question I got three different answers.
'$ Why are you jumping up and down?'
'Because I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.'
$ What is the last thing you take off before going to bed?
Your feet off the floor.
$ Where do you find mangoes?
$ Notice in the window of a health food restaurant:
'Our salad dinners will take your breadth away.'
$ Pretty young girl : 'If I go up to your room do you promise to be good?'
Young man : 'Why - I promise to be FANTASTIC!'
$ Doctor : 'And how are we this morning?'
Patient : 'I'm feeling better doctor, but my breathing still troubles me.'
Doctor : 'We must see if we can put a stop to that.'
$ Bacteria : the back entrance of a cafeteria.
$ Patient : 'Doctor, doctor! I think I'm becoming invisible.'
Doctor : 'Who said that?'
$ I once went to a cinema and watched a mad, passionate scene that lasted for almost half an hour - then I had to stop looking at the back row and watch the film.
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$ Nothing makes a woman feel older than meeting a bald-headed man who was two years behind her in school.
$ Grandparent : Something so simple, a child can operate it.
$ The person who says the art of conversation is dead never waited outside a phone booth for someone to finish talking.
$ The bad thing about a popular song is that it makes a lot of people think they can sing.
$ The father watching his daughter select a very expensive wedding gown: 'I don't mind giving you away, but must I gift-wrap you, too?'
$ Statistical Expert
Mother wanted to spend Saturday afternoon shopping and father - a statistician - reluctantly agreed to abandon his golf and spend the afternoon with the three small, energetic children.
When mother returned, father handed her this note :-
Dried tears - 9 times
Tied shoes - 13 times
Served water - 18 times
Toy balloons purchased - 3 for each child
Average life of balloon - exactly 12 seconds
Cautioned children not to cross street - 21 times
Children insisted on crossing street - 21 times
Number of Saturdays father will do this again - 0
$ Drunk customer to banker: 'My cheque came back marked "No Funds". Is the bank failing?'
$ A luxury is something that becomes a necessity if your neighbour has it.
$ If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars
$ Income tax song: 'Everything I Have Is Yours.'
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$ Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end &
a fool at the other.
$ Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are
more popular than a five day test.
$ Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor
degree and a woman gains her master
$ Divorce : Future tense of marriage
$ Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
$ Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is
defeated by feminine water-power.
$ Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
$ Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home
$ Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their
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$ What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
$ Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
$ Don't steal....The Government hates Competition.
$ Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life ! !
$ An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
$ Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
$ Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
$ It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
$ Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.
$ Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.
$ I've found that women are the chief cause of men's lying....
They insist on asking too damn many questions !!!
$ Lots of women are still housekeepers...
When they get divorced, they keep the house.
$ Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one.
$ Why do you press the remote control harder when you know the battery's dead.
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$: If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
:Banta Singh & Santa Singh were given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. They kept on falling off the ladders, which a passerby was observing. He talks to them, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it and informs them and walks away. They laugh loudly saying "What a nut he was, we were looking for the height and he gives us the length.
: Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
: Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
: Stepping out from her bathing tub, a lovely young woman was reaching for a towel when she became aware of a window cleaner looking at her. So stunned was she that she couldn't move a muscle. She just kept staring at the man. "What's the matter, lady?" he said, "Haven't you seen a window cleaner before?"
$ Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married
$ A laundry in Rome:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time
$ In Supermarket, Hong Kong:
For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service
$: In a Nairobi restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager
$: On a Athi River highway:
Take notice: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
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$ How come wrong numbers are never busy?
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If at first you do not succeed destroy all evidence that you tried.
If it were true, that only the thought was that counted, more women would be pregnant.
$ In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notice.
$ In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
$ In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
$ In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
$ Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
$ In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
$ In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
$ Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
$ In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
$ In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
$ In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
$ In a Paris hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
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$ " Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
$ " Where there is a will
.. there is an Inheritance Tax
$ " All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door
$ " Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good
$ " Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house
$ " Horse sense, is the thing, a horse has, that keeps it from betting on people
$ " I never forget a face but in your case I will make an exception
$ " I never made a mistake in my life I thought I did once but I was wrong
$ " I will always love the false image I had of you
$ Things that prove you're a Bombayite
" Your door has more than three locks.
" You spend more time each month travelling than you spend at home.
" You're paying Rs 10,000 for a 1 room apartment, the size of walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal."
$ Court Room Bloopers
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
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